Sunday, 8 April 2012

Trust. Forgiveness. Sleep.

Hey, Owen. I was prepared for the worst, but it was even worse than that.

We started "sleep training" you last night. Any recent parent  will know what I'm talking about. There's many wildly differing and contradictory theories on how to do it, but no matter which method you choose you're in for tears,  heartache, and confusion... and baby won't like it much either.

It's not important which specific method we've put our money on, but we purposely chose one that does not require us to leave you alone with your anguish and "cry it out". Therefore, for better or worse, I was and will be with you for every sob, every choke, every heart-wrenching minute of panic and anxiety. I guess we're "all in" little guy:  we can't let the scariest, most confusing night of your life be for nothing. I suppose we've got to follow-through now.

One of the hardest parts is the doubt. You can will yourself on if you believe all the terror and sobs will be worth it --  if this is truly what's best for you and will lead us to a better place. But at the worst moments the insidious doubt creeps in like a shadow: How do I know that I'm doing this right? How do I know it's worth all this heartache? How do we know this lady isn't a crackpot who's just saying something -- anything -- to sell books to anxious parents? Will you be OK? Will you ever trust me again?

By 6:30 am I had all I could stand. I took you to the sofa and we finally slept. I wrapped you in my arms, laid you on your back on top of me, and absorbed your forgiveness. Mended your trust.

Later in the day I bundled you into your ergo carrier, your head against my chest,  and we walked in the spring sunshine feeling the snow melt under our boots while you absorbed my abiding love and commitment.

Forgiveness. Trust. Love. Commitment.  I hope these things will be enough to get us through tonight.


Night #2 was waaaay better than the first night. Is there hope?

Night #3 your mom took over. Up from 12 to 3 am. What fresh hell is this?!?!?!

We agreed we would give it 2 weeks before we bailed on this process, but of course we secretly both hoped  you would be sleeping through the night A LOT sooner than that. We knew it would be hard, and it is. You seem no worse for wear (if a little overtired, like this rest of us). Hopefully we'll all find the resolve to see it through.

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